i can see the moon
i can see the stars from here
i can see you disappear
right before my eyes

i can hear your voice
whisper through the phone to me
and it feels like home to me
blessing in disguise

and i don't believe that everything will be okay
and i don't believe that i can make you stay
no i don't believe that everything will just be okay
and i don't believe that i can make you stay

i can see the moon
i can see the stars from here
and to me it's crystal clear
you're already gone

you looked at me like it was the last time
that i would see the sun
but i can see the moon
and i can see the stars from here

Love is illogical

"Did you like the movie, Dad?"

"Yeah. It was predictable, but those kinds of movies usually are."

"You'd think that the lady who fell in love with the married man would be smarter. I mean, any man who cheats on his wife isn't a man you should even consider being with. He's just going to do the same thing to her."

"Yeah, true. But love is strange. Love is illogical. If you apply logic to love, you lose everything."

Looking For Alaska

Quotes from my favorite book.

------

She turned away from me and softly, maybe to herself, said, “Jesus, I’m not going to be one of those people who sits around talking about what they’re gonna do. I’m just going to do it. Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia.”

“Huh?”

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you’ll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."

“Sometimes I don’t get you,” I said.

She didn’t even glance at me. She just smiled towards the television and said,
“You never get me. That’s the whole point.”

------

“Auden,” she announced. “What were his last words?”

“Don’t know. Never heard of him.”

“Never heard of him? You poor, illiterate boy. Here, read this line.” I walked over and looked down at her index finger. “You shall love your crooked neighbour / With your crooked heart,” I read aloud. “Yeah, that’s pretty good,” I said.

“Pretty good? Sure, and bufriedos are pretty good. Sex is pretty fun. The sun is pretty hot. It says so much about love and brokenness - it’s perfect.”

------

And I was left to ask, did I help you toward a fate you didn’t want, Alaska? Or did I just assist in your willful self-destruction?

------

He was gone, and I did not have time to tell him what I had just now realised: that I forgave him, and that she forgave us, and that we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There were so many of us that would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can’t know better until knowing better is useless.

------

So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

------

I would never know if she left us on purpose. But the not-knowing would not keep me from caring, and I would always love Alaska Young, my crooked neighbor, with all my crooked heart.

You are here

Me, Pj, Kiara

Daddy,

I think about what my life is going to be like ten or maybe twenty years from now. I know that I will feel so empty when you're no longer here. You'll be out of my life before you get the chance to meet my children and husband. The thought is starting to scare me to death. I know it's not going to happen any time soon, but the thought of it happening at all brings me so much pain. You're older than all of my friend's parents, in fact you're the age of their grandparents, and I used to hate the fact but now I realize I should just be grateful. I am so grateful that you love and care about me.

I will always love you most in this world, Daddy.

"Which do you like being called better, Dad, or Daddy?"

"Either one is fine, sweetie."

"I like Daddy best. Daddy is what I'll always call you."

You didn't know what was going through my mind when I said that. You also didn't know that when you left the room I broke down. I just always want to be your little girl.

Kiara Anderson

I'm hoping that writing this will help me let go of my past, just a little bit. If I write everything that I remember, maybe I won't think about you as much.

We're at McDonald's. My dad tells me beforehand that he met this nice lady named Joy and that she has a daughter my age named Kiara. I think we are both around age seven at the time. While my dad and your mom talk, we play in the ball pit. I introduce you to Pj. You're wearing a black cape. I'm thinking "I wish I had her cape," and later you let me try it on. We become friends right away. I'm wondering why you are black when your mom is white, but I don't ask.

A few months later. You and your mom are in my backyard. We're jumping up and down, excited to hear the news. You are both going to be moving into our house. The memories between first meeting you and this event are all very unclear and I can't seem to remember them, but I remember this moment quite vividly. Joy has her arms wrapped around her knees, she's sitting at the round table outside. My dad is sitting across from her. Kiara and I are holding hands, raising our fists to the sky. We are so happy.

You living with us was like a dream come true.

We're building a fort underneath a table in the kitchen.
We're posing for a picture on Halloween.
You're kissing Pj on the cheek after pretending to get married to him.
We're at Orchard Point, climbing the play structure and jumping into the lake.
We're dancing to Britney Spears in our belly shirts.
We're going to Clear Lake Elementary in matching outfits.
I'm introducing you to my crush Weston at YG.
My dad is braiding your hair while your mom is brushing mine.

You tell me your mom is a stripper.
You show me the bruises that cover your body.
You tell me your dad abuses you and your mother.

Your dad, Dominic, is in our room. It's late. He visits once every few weeks. Dominic kisses you on the forehead and says "Goodnight, I love you." You mumble, "Love you too". We both go back to sleep.

A few months later. It's night time. You and Joy are standing in the doorway. Joy is saying that you're both leaving to California and don't know when you'll be back, but that you'll stay in touch. You didn't stay in touch.

A year later. You and Joy are back. You're living in an apartment now. I go over there almost every day. We're swimming in your pool. We're hanging out with kids from the apartment area. When we return from the pool, Joy is smoking cigarettes in the apartment. I remember a time when my Dad complained that Joy reeked of smoke and made the house smell like a casino.

It's the weekend. We're playing Grand Theft Auto at my mom's and you're cussing out the people in the game that are in your way. Me and Pj are laughing. We take turns playing while my mom cooks us food.

We're sharing secrets.
We're whispering to each other underneath the covers.
We're pretending to be asleep when my dad passes by our room in the hall.
We're jumping off of trees with a broom in between our legs because we had just watched "Casper Meets Wendy"
We're pushing each other on a tire swing until we get sick.

You were the first one I ever had a conversation with about kissing. You and I are so curious. You start hushing me and telling me to be quiet because my dad is right across the hall from us. You ask me if it would be weird to practice kissing with me. I'm laughing at your question, and I'm a little embarrassed. But the look in your eye tells me I can be comfortable telling you anything or doing anything without you judging me.

A year later. You're leaving again but this time you have a going away party. It's at our friend's house, since it's big and you're always saying how nice it is. But we hang out in the trailer behind the house instead. We sit inside the trailer with a few other friends and we just hang out. We are sort of acting like you're going to be here tomorrow even though we know it isn't so. When it's time for me to leave, Joy's new boyfriend gives me a ride home. I'm thinking, "I'm going to be deaf after this", because he has the bass in his car up so high that his car is shaking and my eardrums are aching. Not a single word is spoken between us the whole ride back to my house. I don't like him. I'm thinking, "Kiara's dad, Dominic, is much better." But then I remember your bruises.

Later that night. You and your mom are in my doorway again and I get the feeling of dejavu. You're leaving again. But this time, to Seattle. You know how sometimes when a friends moves away, they say things like "We can visit each other! We'll keep in touch. We can call each other everyday or email each other"? Well, this wasn't one of those times. None of those things were said. You weren't just moving away, no. You were running away. Running away from Dominic.

You and I hold onto each other and we don't let go. My dad and your mom are trying to separate us. We're no longer hugging but you're holding both of my hands. I'm squeezing as hard as I can and not letting go. We are on the ground now, Joy and my dad are holding our legs and pulling us apart because we aren't willing to let each other go. Joy is finally able to drag you away and your hand slips away from mine. You're grabbing onto furniture. Now you're holding onto the rail of the stairs. Your mom pries you off. My dad is holding me back. Joy is taking you away. You're in the car now. I'm walking outside. I'm crying. I watch you leave, Joy and you both speeding off into the night. That was the last time I ever saw you.

A few years later you call. But it's all static, your words cut out.
I keep trying to call back.
But one day I lose the number.

A few years later and I still haven't heard from you.
Every now and then I try searching for you on facebook and myspace.

Your dad still calls from jail.

I'm hoping to move on because there's nothing I can do about it.
You and Joy were a huge part of my life and I'll never forget what it was like growing up with the both of you. You've taught me a lot. You are still family in my eyes.

I will never think of words like trashy or abusive in the same way ever again. There are two sides to everything. There is good in everything bad.

I think the most valuable lesson Joy and Dominic taught me was to be nonjudgmental, and open minded, especially when it comes to loving someone. If I had not met them, I'd only see one side to criminals and only one side to people like Joy, to strippers who sit around all day smoking. I'm so glad I got exposed to their lifestyle. Without them I would never know what it was like to love someone for everything but their actions. I understand people like them now. I understand that there truly is good in everything bad.

Dominic abused women, and is in jail, but when he says he loves someone he means it. My dad also mentioned he shoplifted. I'll always remember the nights he came into our room, kissing Kiara goodnight and whispering that he loves her. When he was in the room, I once thought, "wait, doesn't he beat her?" as they were talking to each other sweetly. It made me confused. But now I know. Anyone bad or good can love. Everyone wants to feel loved. I just hope he's learned his lesson by now.

And Joy was a stripper. She was trashy, lazy, and forgetful. She once left Kiara at a park by herself when she was little and didn't return to get her until midnight. But like I said, the good sides to them count the most. In the end that's all you should want to remember in people, anyway; the good. Joy was like a mother to me. She was sweet, honest, funny, and sincere. She did my hair and took me shopping. She cooked us dinner before she went to work. She cared.

I looked up to them in so many ways.


I still remember your laugh, smile, face, style, hair, and voice. I still wonder what would happen if we were to pass each other on the street. Would we recognize each other?